Don't get all P.C. on me!

Listen, if your baby is born out of wedlock you can't get mad at me for calling it a bastard. That's the definition. Get mad at the dictionary if you must, but not me. Also, if your baby is a douchebag I reserve the right to calls it like I sees it.




~Bickley

Fuck You, Popcorn.

Popcorn bags tell you not to use the "popcorn" button on your microwave. Then why is it fucking there?! You know what, popcorn? I don't have time to babysit you. You want me to LISTEN for two seconds between pops and hopefully I'll get you out on time? You're either burned or tragically under-popped. Figure out how long you need to be in the microwave and get back to me. GET YOUR SHIT TOGETHER POPCORN!




~BICKLEY

If tuna is the "Chicken of the Sea" and two boats are going toward each other head-on, are they "playing tuna"?

~Bickley

True Blood

True Blood is so sexually graphic that I have to watch porn afterwards just to feel clean again.

That is all.

~Bickley

Gender Equality

Long gone are the days when women stood alone and solitary in their quest for everlasting youth. Long gone too are the days when it was assumed that only the female and the effiminate spent hours pondering the firmness of their thighs and tightness of their buttocks. Can we please cue the music...open the theater curtains...and enter stage left... Shape Ups for Men (Masculine Men) from Sketchers.

On the surface, this must be quite a delight for men of all ages.  Think of it...Side by side, men and women walking hand in hand in the park, perhaps the family pet happily trotting alongside, the happy couple smiles at each other while toning and perfecting their gluteus maximus.

But unfortunately, like so many the products and solutions created for our guys, our Brawny men, our personal James Bonds, we find a teeter-totter...a benefit and a negative... a plus and a minus.

Take Viagra for example. Advantage: Keep your lady singing for hours. Disadvantage: Death by heart attack mid coitus. How about Propecia? The magic pill that keeps a man's head of hair thick and luxurious and his smaller head flaccid and feeble. And we could chat all day; the pump, steroids, bottled tans, hair plugs, shake weight for men, and excessive amounts of Robert Graham shirts and...and...and..

And now Shape ups for men. While shopping for shoes in DSW this poster was displayed front and center of the store. Picture: A nice looking, fit, slightly grayed man wearing Sketchers.

As a lover of men, it fills me with rage. We are begging you...the men...the grown men. We'd rather have the flabby butts. We'd rather have plyboard derriers...you know the ones whose upper thighs connect right into their back. For the love of all things holy, we'd rather see  pointed heart pancaked hinies than see you walk around in those...bricks  This is just another cheap marketing ploy. Don't fall for it. Step away from the 20lb Sketches Shape Ups. Try the gym. Fit in 25-30 old fashion lunges in the morning or after work. Because we promise you... you may end up with a firmer bum...but you will look like a club footed douche and no one...we mean no one...

will sleep with you.

- DUKE