"You might be a cunning linguist, but I'm a master debater." ~ Austin Powers, Goldmember

We are about to embark on a very sensitive subject. It is a subject that many men (and women to be fair) are quite shy about discussing. This subject matter arose as I was chatting with a good friend. The question presented was "Do you think that if just about any subject matter can be researched online for free, men have figured out how to...you know...finally?" The question produced a looks of confusion and so we gathered around a computer and began searching. First decision: google the dirty lingo or keep it classy. Determined to believe that men truly cared about their female counterparts, I kept it classy.

I was presented with extensive and lengthy step by step instructions, diagrams of the female anatomy, and many encouraging do's and don'ts. Do take your time and relax. Don't mistake her urethra opening for her pleasure zone. Do take time to appreciate her opening up to you. Don't jump into the little boat right away, swim around it awhile. If she arches her back...keep going. If she whispers in your ear  and pulls at your head to "come up here with me" you are probably not doing it right and you should cease immediately.

He sure is enjoying himself...think she's feeling the same way?

Lots of good instructions, but it left me wondering...is this information overload helping or just making the poor babies more nervous about the whole thing?  The answer: probably. Is this talent even important to women?




Yes. Yes it is. Let me clarify.

If you are the kind of man who wishes to receive oral gifts of his own, then yes. You must reciprocate. Otherwise, we make fun of you behind your back and talk about your inadequacies and spend more of your money. I'm not saying this to be mean. Consider it a form of natural selection. If you are a man who does not like to receive any mouth to mouth resuscitation after a long suffocating day at the office, then you don't love yourself, and thus we can't possibly be expected to love someone who doesn't even love themselves.

Women like to be appreciated, accepted and loved. If you can spend time with our most intimate parts, learn our subtleties, and come in second, loyalty and dedication will follow. And we like to reward those that reward us. (There are exceptions to this rule of course. And you can feel free to blame their mothers who raised them to be puritans. Such a waste).  If you are interested in learning a bit about how to up your game and the internet is a bit overwhelming, try reading this:

It is a straightforward guide on how to get her "there".  It's very good for men who are wish to improve and women who haven't figured themselves out.  If this all seems just too complicated, move onto plan "b". Hand over your AMEX so she can buy more curtains and update the kitchen while you download porn.

I shop excessively, because my boyfriend doesn't know how to keep me happy.

Don't get all P.C. on me!

Listen, if your baby is born out of wedlock you can't get mad at me for calling it a bastard. That's the definition. Get mad at the dictionary if you must, but not me. Also, if your baby is a douchebag I reserve the right to calls it like I sees it.




~Bickley

Fuck You, Popcorn.

Popcorn bags tell you not to use the "popcorn" button on your microwave. Then why is it fucking there?! You know what, popcorn? I don't have time to babysit you. You want me to LISTEN for two seconds between pops and hopefully I'll get you out on time? You're either burned or tragically under-popped. Figure out how long you need to be in the microwave and get back to me. GET YOUR SHIT TOGETHER POPCORN!




~BICKLEY

If tuna is the "Chicken of the Sea" and two boats are going toward each other head-on, are they "playing tuna"?

~Bickley

True Blood

True Blood is so sexually graphic that I have to watch porn afterwards just to feel clean again.

That is all.

~Bickley

Gender Equality

Long gone are the days when women stood alone and solitary in their quest for everlasting youth. Long gone too are the days when it was assumed that only the female and the effiminate spent hours pondering the firmness of their thighs and tightness of their buttocks. Can we please cue the music...open the theater curtains...and enter stage left... Shape Ups for Men (Masculine Men) from Sketchers.

On the surface, this must be quite a delight for men of all ages.  Think of it...Side by side, men and women walking hand in hand in the park, perhaps the family pet happily trotting alongside, the happy couple smiles at each other while toning and perfecting their gluteus maximus.

But unfortunately, like so many the products and solutions created for our guys, our Brawny men, our personal James Bonds, we find a teeter-totter...a benefit and a negative... a plus and a minus.

Take Viagra for example. Advantage: Keep your lady singing for hours. Disadvantage: Death by heart attack mid coitus. How about Propecia? The magic pill that keeps a man's head of hair thick and luxurious and his smaller head flaccid and feeble. And we could chat all day; the pump, steroids, bottled tans, hair plugs, shake weight for men, and excessive amounts of Robert Graham shirts and...and...and..

And now Shape ups for men. While shopping for shoes in DSW this poster was displayed front and center of the store. Picture: A nice looking, fit, slightly grayed man wearing Sketchers.

As a lover of men, it fills me with rage. We are begging you...the men...the grown men. We'd rather have the flabby butts. We'd rather have plyboard derriers...you know the ones whose upper thighs connect right into their back. For the love of all things holy, we'd rather see  pointed heart pancaked hinies than see you walk around in those...bricks  This is just another cheap marketing ploy. Don't fall for it. Step away from the 20lb Sketches Shape Ups. Try the gym. Fit in 25-30 old fashion lunges in the morning or after work. Because we promise you... you may end up with a firmer bum...but you will look like a club footed douche and no one...we mean no one...

will sleep with you.

- DUKE

Magical Me

Well everybody, I have just returned from the most magical place in the states. No, it's not Magic Kingdom. This is bigger than Mickey. We are talking wizards, brooms, and lots of love potion. We are talking Harry Potter World at Universal Studios in Orlando.

I know what you are all thinking...And I raise my middle finger to you all. So what if I left my child behind and boarded a plane to Orlando. So what I pretend flew a broom around a man-made Hogwarts and drank my weight in sugary Butterbeer goodness... I loved every magical minute of it. And to all of you jerks who think I'm a terrible mother, I tell you this. When my daughter is grown I will explain it to her and she will understand. "Honey, mommy had to go to Orlando all by herself because you were born a Squib. Squibs are just not safe in the Wizarding world. I was protecting you." So back the hell up everybody.

Expecto patronum Bitches

-DUKE

Thoughts on Katy Perry vs Lady GaGa

Recently, LadyGaga debuted her "controversial" video for Alejandro. I'm not sure what everyone has their panties in a twist about. Frankly, Madonna's Just Like a Prayer was far more controversial. Wasn't she blowing a Priest or something? I don't know, I don't remember. My mom used to drug me with sedatives in my YooHoo so I wouldn't interrupt her "me time" so the eighties are all a blur. There were burning crosses, though. I would have been concerned about the association with the KKK, but to each their own. By comparison, I found Alejandro to be a boring video. There were some marching, shirt less gay gents. Their stiff, synchronized marching reminded me of Nazis. That was creepy but not even the point so she failed there. She writhed on a bed in flesh colored underthings. My Nonnie wore flesh colored underthings so, again, not exactly shocking to me. GaGa wore a pleather nun's outfit. Please, many a trollop does that every Halloween. Sexy Nun? That's been done. She dips a rosary into her mouth then pulls it out. YAWN. To be honest I didn't get through the whole video because I was tired of waiting for the shock.

Anyway, Katy Perry said in response to Alejandro that " . . . if you put sexuality and religion in the same bottle and try to shake it up, it's not cool." While I don't necessarily disagree with Ms. Perry, I find this ironic coming from a girl banging a dude that looks like Jesus.

~Bickley

Sex Robot is a Major Fail

Man invents Butter Face robot no one wants to sleep with! Wastes a lot of money. Update: Now man working on creating a "great robot personality" to make up for robot fugness. 
 Vegas, Nevada (CNN) -- To some men, she might seem like the perfect woman: She's a willowy 5 feet 7 and 120 pounds. She'll chat with you endlessly about your interests. And she'll have sex whenever you  -- as long as her battery doesn't run out.


Meet Roxxxy, who may be the world's most sophisticated talking female sex robot. For $7,000, she's all yours. "She doesn't vacuum or cook, but she does almost everything else," said her inventor, Douglas Hines, who unveiled Roxxxy last month at the Adult Entertainment Expo in Las Vegas, Nevada.Lifelike dolls, artificial sex organs and sex-chat phone lines have been keeping the lonely company for decades. But Roxxxy takes virtual companionship to a new level.

Powered by a computer under her soft silicone "skin," she employs voice-recognition and speech-synthesis software to answer questions and carry on conversations. She even comes loaded with five distinct "personalities," from Frigid Farrah to Wild Wendy, that can be programmed to suit customers' preferences."There's a tremendous need for this kind of product," said Hines, a computer scientist and former Bell Labs engineer.

Roxxxy won't be available for delivery for several months, but Hines is taking pre-orders through his Web site, TrueCompanion.com, where thousands of men have signed up. "They're like, 'I can't wait to meet her,' "Hines said. "It's almost like the anticipation of a first date."Women have inquired about ordering a sex robot, too. Hines says a female sex therapist even contacted him about buying one for her patients.


Roxxxy has been like catnip to talk-show hosts since her debut at AEE, the largest porn-industry convention in the country. In a recent monologue, Jay Leno expressed amazement that a sex robot could carry on lifelike conversations and express realistic emotions.

"Luckily, guys," he joked, "there's a button that turns that off." Curious conventioneers packed Hines' AEE booth last month in Las Vegas, asking questions and stroking Roxxxy's skin as she sat on a couch in a black negligee. "Roxxxy generated a lot of buzz at AEE," said Grace Lee, spokeswoman for the porn-industry convention. "The prevailing sentiment of everyone I talked to about Roxxxy is 'version 1.0,' but people were fascinated by the concept, and it caused them to rethink the possibilities of 'sex toys.' 


"Hines, a self-professed happily married man from Lincoln Park, New Jersey, says he spent more than three years developing the robot after trying to find a marketable application for his artificial-intelligence technology.


Roxxxy's body is made from hypoallergenic silicone -- the kind of stuff in prosthetic limbs -- molded over a rigid skeleton. She cannot move on her own but can be contorted into almost any natural position. To create her shape, a female model spent a week posing for a series of molds. The robot runs on a self-contained battery that lasts about three hours on one charge, Hines says. Customers can recharge Roxxxy with an electrical cord that plugs into her back.

A motor in her chest pumps heated air through a tube that winds through the robot's body, which Hines says keeps her warm to the touch. Roxxxy also has sensors in her hands and genital areas -- yes, she is anatomically correct -- that will trigger vocal responses from her when touched. She even shudders to simulate orgasm.

When someone speaks to Roxxxy, her computer converts the words to text and then uses pattern-recognition software to match them against a database containing hundreds of appropriate responses. The robot then answers aloud -- her prerecorded "voice" is supplied by an unnamed radio host -- through a loudspeaker hidden under her wig.


"Everything you say to her is processed. It's very near real time, almost without delay," Hines said of the dynamics of human-Roxxxy conversation. "To make it as realistic as possible, she has different dialogue at different times. She talks in her sleep. She even snores." (The snoring feature can be turned off, he says.)


Roxxxy understands and speaks only English for now, but Hines' True Companion company is developing Japanese and Spanish versions. For an extra fee, he'll also record customizable dialogue and phrases for each client, which means Roxxxy could talk to you about NASCAR, say, or the intricacies of politics in the Middle East.


Hines believes that Roxxxy is a step above other love dolls -- the similar but mute RealDoll costs about $5,500 -- because her conversational abilities provide something close to emotional companionship. His customer base? Shy, awkward or older men who "have trouble meeting girls," he says. In an industry known for pushing the technological envelope, observers are curious about how Roxxxy will fare in the marketplace. "Is this a viable product? Yes," said Sherri Shaulis, an editor at Adult Video News, a trade magazine for the pornographic industry. "There's a market for it. Granted, it's a very small market. "Maybe not. TrueCompanion claims that more than 4,000 men have placed pre-orders for Roxxxy robots, and another 20,000 or so have requested information about the product. TrueCompanion also is developing a male sex robot, named Rocky.

"There's really nothing like this on the market," said Hines, who speaks of his unique creation with what seems like genuine affection. "Whenever she's out in public, everyone wants to talk to her and pose for pictures. It's so cute."

http://www.cnn.com/2010/TECH/02/01/sex.robot/index.html