20 Movies That Are So Bad, They're Good

I was raised by a father who always wanted to become a film writer and director. Instead, he wrote and produced sitcoms in the eighties and nineties. While they were popular and he created memorable characters like The Fonz and Steve Urkel, what he really wanted was to be taken seriously as an artist.  It was his dream for our family to be like The Coppolas, I suppose. But, you know, less hairy.  We imagined that each of us would someday be successful in the industry. My brother Brendan as an actor, my brother Colin as a director, and me as a writer.  Generally, the least friendly on the eyes becomes the writer . . . 

We watched fine films as a family and discussed them, debated their merit. My dad instilled in me a taste for film. Father, grant me the serenity to watch films both good and bad, and the wisdom to know the difference. My love for good film also awakened my love of bad film. That is, movies so bad they are good. And, yes, there is a difference between a bad-bad movie (almost every Nicolas Cage movie made after his Oscar win) and a good-bad movie (the Nicolas Cage movie I mentioned below).  I hope this list will give you the wisdom to know the difference. 

1. The Room -

 Most people have heard of this film by now as its badness is epic. Every scene is quotable. Plot lines begin then disappear. Cancer is introduced then brushed away. Major injuries occur EVERY TIME they toss that football. And any movie that ends in dry humping a dress is a winner in my book. Personally, it's my favorite bad film. Though the next one of my list is an extremely close second. 

2. Troll 2 -

I feel like if I describe this, it will ruin it. Just see it. I have a Troll 2 alarm set on my phone so that I wake up to this every morning: "They're eating her . . . . and then they're going to eat me . . . OH MY GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOODDDDDDDDDDDDDD!"

3. The Pit -

 It's about an autistic kid with an evil talking teddy bear who finds a pit in the woods. With mutants in it. The best part? The kid is a pervert to boot!

4. Samurai Cop -

Need I say more? Here is one of my favorite scenes . . .

5. Plan 9 From Outerspace -

Directed by Ed Wood, Jr. the plot of the film is about alien beings who are seeking to stop humans from creating a doomsday weapon. In the course of doing so, the aliens implement a scheme to resurrect Earth's dead. Extraterrestrials AND zombies! 

6.The Incredibly Strange Creatures who Stopped Living and Became Mixed Up Zombies -

 I think the title sums it up nicely.

7. Ben -

 Ever wonder what little Michael Jackson was singing about? The love between a sewer rat and an idiot boy. Don't miss the part where the kid makes his marionette rat dance in a sexually suggestive way just for Ben. 

8. The Wicker Man (2006) -

Nicolas Cage stars so you know right off the bat it's going to be a piece of shit. BUT unlike some of his other films, this is so bad it's beautiful. It's like they wrote this just to please me. There are so many scenes that are awesomely funny. I can't get enough of it.  My favorite part? BEAR PUNCH!

9. Blood For Dracula -

Imagine an armless Dracula running from a guy with an axe. Funny, right?

10. Zombie Wars -

A group of human survivors fight smart zombies in a camp where humans are raised for food and workhorses. My zombie obsessed friend, Catherine Wiese, this one's for you.

11. The Adventures of Buckaroo Banzai Across the 8th Dimension -

A neurosurgeon, a physicist, a rock star, and a race car driver fight to save earth from an army of aliens led by one of my favorite actors, John Lithgow.

12. Burlesque - 

This movie just came out and I already see its potential to go down in cult-love history. I have to thank the Madanats for inviting me to see this terrible movie. It's rare to see a major film with a completely unlikable heroine who is a selfish bitch from start to finish, has no character arc, and learns nothing in the end. How does Christina Aguilera free load off some guy and yet make him apologize in the end?  It is in the vein of Showgirls but there are no nipples and weird, convulsive pool sex. Plus, it's nice to see that Stanley Tucci gets to play the EXACT same character from The Devil Wears Prada. If a good actor is going to be in a movie like this, at least he doesn't have to work too hard. I may have had so much fun watching this because I had the Madanats to make fun of it with me. My favorite part is when Cher busts a tramp's car window with a crow bar. That may also be because of the way twins Nader and Samer Madanat screamed, "DAAAAAAAMN!" Unlike some of the other films, I think you have to see this with at least one other person to enjoy it. It's all about the jokes you come up with as you watch it.  A drinking game idea is every time Cher has a diva moment you snap your fingers and say, "DIVA!" before taking a shot. You'll be drunk by the first scene. Mid-film, you'll be dying of alcohol poisoning. 

13. Zombi 2 - Lots of nudity and an underwater Zombie vs. Shark scene! Well, slap my ass and call me Sally! Seriously, please, I'm really lonely . . .

14. Flash Gordon -

I'm pretty sure we've all seen this. I couldn't be happier that Queen wrote the theme. I love you, Freddy Mercury. I know, you can't love me back because you're gay. And, well, dead.  Crap. I just depressed myself.  Luckily, the following scene should cheer me up. 

15. The Ginger Dead Man 1 and Gingerdead Man 2: Passion of the Crust --

The first one stars Gary "I will pull your endocrine system out of your body" Busey. The second features the evil gingerbread man being nailed to a cross and a crown of thorns placed on his head. I felt so guilty watching that scene I attended church the next morning. Or well, I intended to anyway . . . but it was, like, really early. Thank God, Jesus's whole "thing" is about forgiveness. 

16. Every Seagal movie ever made. But especially Fire Down Below and On Deadly Ground which features "The Fight of Tolerance" scene. Only Seagal can get a bad guy to admit his faults at the end of getting his ass kicked, and only a true hero like Seagal can then comfort him. Seagal, I love you. This is why I have a portrait of Seagal, mounted on wood, in my guest bathroom. I like him to suspiciously eye -- all squinty like -- my guests while they pee.

 17. It's Alive (1974) -

In the movie, a couple's infant turns out to be a monster that kills everyone who crosses its path. 

I think this film speaks to me because of my fear of pregnancy and because I've always found new born babies to be more frightening-looking than adorable. I know, I'm an awful person and a failure as a woman. Blah blah. But if you don't describe an old, toothless man as "beautiful", I don't get why people call a newborn baby "beautiful".  Yes, the birth of new life is a "beautiful" concept, but birthing is not beautiful what with various bodily fluids pouring out of damaged female genitalia. Last time I checked, most of us would dry heave at the sight of an amniotic sac, illuminated by florescent lights, pooled on a cold hospital floor. And don't get me started on pooping during delivery! Still want to say giving birth is "beautiful"?  Stop fooling yourself, world! That word is as misused in relation to pregnancy, birth, and newborns as the use of "brilliant" to describe an actor in Hollywood.  (I have an Oscars drinking game where every time someone describes someone else's work as "brilliant" or as their "craft" you take a shot. But I digress.) Anyway, pregnancy weirds me out because it seems like an Invasion of the Body Snatchers type of scenario. Every time a pregnant woman tells me her baby is kicking her from inside out, I suspiciously watch her belly like it's going to turn into that scene from Aliens. You know the one. And it really freaked me out when my friend Lacey told me they poop in the womb. WTF?!?! Planned Parenthood should project this film onto the walls of its clinics to make the Pro-Lifers reconsider.  

18. Silent Night, Deadly Night Part 2 - 


A sequel even better than its predecessor in that it's even worse!

19. Feeders 2: Slay Bells - 


Aliens invade earth over Christmas and it's up to Santa and his elves to save the world!

20. Slumber Party Massacre - 


I find a lot of guys like this film for some reason.

Of course, there are many more but I need to limit my list to twenty to give myself the illusion of a life. "No, I did not sit here all Sunday afternoon writing this and eating black olives from a can," I try to convince myself, "I did NAAHHHHT!"




~BICKLEY

The Reflected and the Reflecting Pool..

Dear Bickley,

After many minutes of deep introspection as well as my attempt at adding some intellectual material to our blog...you upstage me with your giggles and reference to the female. So in response to you, I give you:

upside down boobs. You really deserve it as you have taken something pure and turned it...well upside down. So there you go.

Warm regards,

Duke

Filling the Void.

Dear Ms. Duke,

When you said "we exchange nice-ities" all I could think of was how that sounded like "nice titties" and I was giggling and could no longer focus on deeper meaning. 

Sincerely,

Ms. Bickley


P.S. Those are not mine.

The Date. Dating & The Dated. A serious blog entry

Dear Ms. Bickley,

It has dawned on me that all the years of questing for things to cushion and fill the spaces between my vital organs, fulfillment still escapes me. I have temporarily filled those spaces with many things. The creamy center of an oreo, banana pudding, chocolate pudding...well all things pudding.  But like all perishable things, eventually the space returns and I’m am left hollow.

And so I wonder. What can I consume that will remain forever? 

I have been thinking a bit about the predictability of it all. The first date. The first awkward encounter with what we want.  We exchange nice-ities. We talk about our families. We pretend. We play games. We are so courteous because the want of "it" is so severe. 

And so we tango. And we tango. And we tango.

The Dating beings. We talk of shy things. Oddities, vulnerabilities...the fetishes. The tango ends, but the dancing continues albeit more slowly and more seductively.

And when we have revealed the inner clockwork of ourselves, the reality that we cannot keep the time and the realization of our stubborn uncompromising ways... we find we have become Dated. Slow to the beat.  Ill-fit for our dance partner.

Fuck. I think I have just depressed myself.  Please bring me pudding...

Sincerely,

Duke

"You might be a cunning linguist, but I'm a master debater." ~ Austin Powers, Goldmember

We are about to embark on a very sensitive subject. It is a subject that many men (and women to be fair) are quite shy about discussing. This subject matter arose as I was chatting with a good friend. The question presented was "Do you think that if just about any subject matter can be researched online for free, men have figured out how to...you know...finally?" The question produced a looks of confusion and so we gathered around a computer and began searching. First decision: google the dirty lingo or keep it classy. Determined to believe that men truly cared about their female counterparts, I kept it classy.

I was presented with extensive and lengthy step by step instructions, diagrams of the female anatomy, and many encouraging do's and don'ts. Do take your time and relax. Don't mistake her urethra opening for her pleasure zone. Do take time to appreciate her opening up to you. Don't jump into the little boat right away, swim around it awhile. If she arches her back...keep going. If she whispers in your ear  and pulls at your head to "come up here with me" you are probably not doing it right and you should cease immediately.

He sure is enjoying himself...think she's feeling the same way?

Lots of good instructions, but it left me wondering...is this information overload helping or just making the poor babies more nervous about the whole thing?  The answer: probably. Is this talent even important to women?




Yes. Yes it is. Let me clarify.

If you are the kind of man who wishes to receive oral gifts of his own, then yes. You must reciprocate. Otherwise, we make fun of you behind your back and talk about your inadequacies and spend more of your money. I'm not saying this to be mean. Consider it a form of natural selection. If you are a man who does not like to receive any mouth to mouth resuscitation after a long suffocating day at the office, then you don't love yourself, and thus we can't possibly be expected to love someone who doesn't even love themselves.

Women like to be appreciated, accepted and loved. If you can spend time with our most intimate parts, learn our subtleties, and come in second, loyalty and dedication will follow. And we like to reward those that reward us. (There are exceptions to this rule of course. And you can feel free to blame their mothers who raised them to be puritans. Such a waste).  If you are interested in learning a bit about how to up your game and the internet is a bit overwhelming, try reading this:

It is a straightforward guide on how to get her "there".  It's very good for men who are wish to improve and women who haven't figured themselves out.  If this all seems just too complicated, move onto plan "b". Hand over your AMEX so she can buy more curtains and update the kitchen while you download porn.

I shop excessively, because my boyfriend doesn't know how to keep me happy.

Don't get all P.C. on me!

Listen, if your baby is born out of wedlock you can't get mad at me for calling it a bastard. That's the definition. Get mad at the dictionary if you must, but not me. Also, if your baby is a douchebag I reserve the right to calls it like I sees it.




~Bickley

Fuck You, Popcorn.

Popcorn bags tell you not to use the "popcorn" button on your microwave. Then why is it fucking there?! You know what, popcorn? I don't have time to babysit you. You want me to LISTEN for two seconds between pops and hopefully I'll get you out on time? You're either burned or tragically under-popped. Figure out how long you need to be in the microwave and get back to me. GET YOUR SHIT TOGETHER POPCORN!




~BICKLEY